


Wrong | Loceit

by stuckwithasnakeboy



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, M/M, One Shot, Trans Character, Trans Deceit | Janus Sanders, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Deceit | Janus Sanders, trans author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:33:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28497627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckwithasnakeboy/pseuds/stuckwithasnakeboy
Summary: Logan knows just how to comfort Janus when it was that time but even with all of his boyfriend’s help Janus couldn’t help but feel like it was all wrong
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Wrong | Loceit

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Dysphoria, self harm (in form of hitting), food mention, unaccepting parents
> 
> (I’d re-read it but I only come back to this when I’m feeling dysphoria as it causes me dysphoria to read and then it’s nice to have something to relate to while otherwise I try to avoid it entirely so tell me if I missed anything)
> 
> I wrote this while dysphoric because I couldn’t find any accurate portrayals of what dysphoria is like for me. All of what I could find was so very painfully obviously written by a cis author so I hope this is helps any looking for something to relate to.

Something people don't realize is that it isn't self hatred. It's not hating yourself because of your body. In fact, it's actually rather the opposite. It's hating your body because of yourself. It's not that you're not skinny enough or that you've got acne. No, it's simply that it's not right.

Since he was eight— yes, eight— things hadn't been right. Janus was an early bloomer, some may say. His body started to change and he hated it with a passion. Until then he was able to blend in easily with the other boys, excluding his skin condition. Then they started realizing that Janus wasn't exactly who he had said he was, not physically at least. No, what was on his birth certificate wasn't even Janus at all, it was Bethany.

People thought because he had chosen such a feminine name that he must be faking it but he had had a fascination with mythology since he was very young. He learned of the god Janus when he was six. The god with two faces, the gatekeeper. He had just felt a connection with the name so that's what he went with, no matter how many times people laughed at him.

No one had ever said the name in front of his parents. It was for the best. His step father often made fun of people in the LGBTQ Community. He had tried to come out to his mother, who had said she supported the community, as asexual and demiromantic several years ago but she scoffed and told him he was too young to know. She forced him to stop talking about it. He saw no point in trying to tell her that he wasn't her darling baby girl.

Instead he opted to stay hidden in his room. He allowed his body to become covered in scars and his emotions to switch off. Sometimes new scars were made because he couldn't get the switch to turn on and other times because he couldn't get it to switch off. He wore gloves to cover the scars on his hands. He didn't go swimming to cover the oldest ones on his stomach and collar bone. He wore pants long enough so that the ones on his legs didn't peak through. He wore nothing but long sleeved because he knew that it would be easier to see the ones that covered his arms. He allowed himself to be trapped inside his body. It was the only thing allowing him to cling to the earth.

Are you okay?

He remembered meeting Logan Foley and that was his first words to him. His voice had been monotoned but his eyes held concerned. That was the first time in years someone had asked him that question and he almost broke down in tears. In fact he did midway through their first conversation.

He had always been one to step on the brakes before he even turned the key. Before he made the mistake and let them see the worst of him, just how vulnerable he was. He never let them see the worst of him.

Then he started to feel again. It had almost been a decade, seven years actually, since he allowed himself to feel. It wasn't just the heavy weight that came with the gender on his birth certificate but it was also some kind of happiness. He wasn't used to it so he tried to push Logan away but the teenager remained in his life and he couldn't be more thankful.

Logan understood that it wasn't all self hatred, the dysphoria. It had helped with his self hatred. Oh, how it had helped the self hatred so much. However, that wasn't exactly what the dysphoria felt like.

It was the feeling of it all just being wrong. His hips were too wide. His features were too soft. His chest was too big. His voice was too high. He was too short. His hair was too long, even at the shorter length that it was. His feet were too small and so was his waist. It was little things that people often didn't think about yet, while Logan didn't feel it himself, he was willing to listen and learn and understand that it was made of those little things and the big things too.

What really got Janus was the "time of the month." It made him so extremely dysphoric. It made him want to take out the sharp objects again, more often than not— even with Logan now around— it still happened.

He sat, bundled up in his room. He was buried underneath a pile of covers. His body curled into the fetal position and sharp pain after sharp pain was felt in his lower stomach.

There were many names for this time of the month that happened. Some people called it their full moon week. Others called it what many women called it, a period. The word itself made Janus grow more dysphoric. It just reminded him that most men didn't have this problem, this nuance, but Janus did and he hated it. Personally, he preferred the term shark week. It reminded him of sharks, sharks reminded him of scales, scales reminded him of snakes, and snakes were his favorite animal.

Still, it didn't distract him from the fact that this stabbing sensation was there. Not only did it hurt him physically but mentally as well. It wasn't right. It wasn't him. He didn't need this, it wasn't right. It merely existed to haunt him, taunt him with the reminder of what he didn't possess.

He heard the door open but paid no mind. If it was a murder or a robber so be it but it was more likely to be Logan. A large jolt of pain ran through his body causing him to audibly wince.

Wrong.

"The Imitation Game or Criminal Minds?" yes, it was Logan. His voice came from the kitchen. Janus thanked whatever mighty being existed for his parents' absence otherwise Logan would have never made it into the driveway.

The choices. Logan knew him so well. Always one for more realistic things. The Imitation Game, a movie his step father forbid him from watching because Alan Turing happened to be a gay man. Criminal Minds, a show his mother banned him from watching because she blamed it for his depression. He wondered how upset she would be when she figured out her actions largely affected how he viewed himself.

"The Imitation Game and then Criminal Minds," Janus declared and though he couldn't see it he knew Logan was smiling, even if it was barely there.

"Your room or the living room?" he then asked.

He pulled the blankets even tighter around him. "My—" he winced loudly. Wrong!—"My room, please."

Logan appeared a moment later with pain medicine and water in one had, a chocolate shake in the other. He really didn't deserve Logan. He gave Janus the pills first and the water first and then the shake. He knew actual chocolate just worsened Janus's dysphoria but he also knew that he'd crave it.

He disappeared for a moment before he came back with the movie and show DVDs. He turned on the tv and then turned on the movie.

"Are you paying attention?" the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch said as Logan decided to do with his hands now that he was sitting on the bed with Janus. One wrong move and his dysphoria would worsen. He placed his hand on Janus's shoulder but quickly retracted it when he realized that Janus had visibly winced and not because of shark week.

He grabbed hold of Logan's hand and forced it to his side. He looked their arms together and placed his head on Logan's shoulder. "Good. If you're not listening carefully you will miss things."

So the movie continued and throughout it things just keep getting worse and worse. The effects of shark week becoming more and more prominent. He felt like his chest was larger, it was already too large. The blankets seemed to conspire against him as they seemed to tighten around his hips and waist. His hair keep falling into his face. It was becoming too much.

Logan took note of the way that Janus's hands started to lightly bang against his thigh but there wasn't anything he could do. He knew if he went to grab Janus's hand he would simply pull its away.

The bangs increased in speed and strength. Logan eyed him carefully. They stopped for a minute but Janus's eyebrows furrowed and his eyes closed. It was s minute, possibly two before his hands went up to his temples. They stayed there for a minute before the banging started again.

"Wrong. Wrong. Wrong," he repeated the words, his tone gradually rising each time he said it, his bangs getting more and more aggressive.

Logan grabbed hold of Janus's hands. He struggled against Logan's grip but eventually stopped when the tears started to flow. He started to get chocked up when Logan pulled him in for a hug and did his best to calm him. He sobbed into Logan's chest. This was part of the effects of being trans. It was the constant feeling that it was all just wrong.

He didn't stop mumbling the word in between the sobs. It was all just wrong.


End file.
